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Cam Girl

Vada Bergen is broke the black sheep of her family and moving a thousand miles away from home for grad school but she’s got the two things she loves most her art and her best friend and sometimes Ellis Carraway Ellis and Vada have a friendship so consuming it’s hard to tell where one girl ends and the other begins It’s intense It’s a little codependent And nothing can tear them apartUntil an accident on an icy winter road changes everythingVada is left deeply scarred both emotionally and physica Update November 20 2015Full blog post to come but I had to share a sneak peek of this with you guysCam Girl got a starred review in Publishers Weekly Along with Black Iris that's two stars for me in one yearNot bad eh? brb losing my shit Previously Update March 31 2015Just finished writing this tonight Can't believe I've written three books for traditional publication alreadyUnteachable was brash impudent and brave; Black Iris is dark and brutal and uncompromising But Cam Girl? This one is my new favorite That's what writers always say about their current book jsyk This one is sad and sweet and intensely romantic and writing the ending made me cry Apparently I'm going soft in my old ageI can't wait for you guys to read this in NovemberOh and it's hella gay Hella Gay Temporary coverFrom Publisher's Marketplace Leah Raeder's CAMGIRL about a talented young artist struggling to make ends meet after a series of catastrophic setbacks who forges a deep connection with a mysterious client who wants her camgirl performances to himself and who forces her to reconnect with the demons of her past This one is about obsession friendship secrets the roles we play for each other the male gaze sex work gender identity disability and artFYI lots of ff and other LGBT spectrum stuff in hyeahPinterest

summary é eBook or Kindle ePUB ↠ Elliot Wake

Life than her body Online they chat intimately Blue helps her heal And he pays well but he wants her all to himself No cam shows It’s an easy decision she’s starting to fall for him But the steamier it gets the she craves the real man behind the keyboard So Vada pops the uestion Can we meet IRL?Blue agrees on one condition A condition that brings back a ghost from her past Now Vada must confront the devastating secrets she's been running from those of others and those she's been keeping from herself For the last three days I have been asking myself if I should review this book but in the end the urge to let the words fly out of my fingers won outHere's the thing I am bisexual I am a person of colour and I come from a country where homosexuality is a criminal offence which means if I were to make love to my girlfriend both of our arses would be thrown in jailWhere's the fairness you ask?NOT HEREI have been attracted to girls ever since I can remember and only in my early teenage years did I start developing an attraction towards boys But living in the heteronormative society that I do since childhood I was subconsciously conditioned that marriage means a union between a man and a woman Not between a woman and a woman Or a man and a man I know how our society shameshatessidelines the LGBT community and somewhere down the line it made me a little internally homophobic too I have struggled with my sexuality for than a decade I constantly denied the fact that I liked girls felt ashamed of myself because I had such 'impure' sexual thoughts and only recently did I make peace with the fact that I liked both boys and girls I have faced biphobia I have 'friends' at the university who wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole if they knew that I was bi I have had a previously close friend make homophobic comments on my person which made me completely stop talking to her and now we hate each other's guts In retrospect I think I overreacted but that was just my paranoia I have had boys ask me for a threesome just because they thought I'd be completely down for it since 'I swing both ways' I know for a fact that lesbians hesitate in getting into relationships with bisexual girls because they think we are just looking for some fun and would run off the moment a cute boy dropped us a line My answer is NO I WOULD NEVER When I am in love it doesn't matter I don't think about missing out at all I only have eyes for that person ONLY I have been called greedy Confused On the fence Promiscuous Going through a phase Seeking attention Make up your fucking mind they said And I'll be honest it makes me doubt myself I am not fully out of the closet My closest circle of friends know and they continue to love me just the same My mum knows and I don't think she's completely okay with it but she's taking it in stride We have discussed this in great lengths and she'd prefer it if I ended up marrying a guy because our extended family is conservative and straying from cultural norm is considered taboo Because this deeply homophobic society would shun me and my future wifeI could relate to this book on a visceral level because the protagonist felt a lot of things I have felt too Vada is a 22 year old bisexual POC artist feminist girl like me and although I didn't agree with a lot of her thought processesactions I could resonate with her because I know what it feels like to be so madly in love with a person that it seems as if you are drowning I know what it feels like to be so fiercely protective of someone that their hurt feels like your hurtLeah R continues to stump me speechless with her writing style It's so lyrically beautiful and soft and tender but hard and guttural at the same time Because she writes from the heart Because she writes what she knows is trueIt's still an uphill battle I just hope that I continue to stay true to myself and love fully and truly That's the only thing that matters How To Fart - Louder, Longer, and Stronger...without soiling your undies! Also learn how to fart on command, fart more often, and increase the smell. real man behind the keyboard So Vada pops the uestion Can we meet IRL?Blue agrees on one condition A condition that brings back a ghost from her past Now Vada must confront the devastating secrets she's been BITE (A Mate Of His Own running from those of others and those she's been keeping from herself For the last three days I have been asking myself if I should Home Alone review this book but in the end the urge to let the words fly out of my fingers won outHere's the thing I am bisexual I am a person of colour and I come from a country where homosexuality is a criminal offence which means if I were to make love to my girlfriend both of our arses would be thrown in jailWhere's the fairness you ask?NOT HEREI have been attracted to girls ever since I can Dr. Grass remember and only in my early teenage years did I start developing an attraction towards boys But living in the heteronormative society that I do since childhood I was subconsciously conditioned that marriage means a union between a man and a woman Not between a woman and a woman Or a man and a man I know how our society shameshatessidelines the LGBT community and somewhere down the line it made me a little internally homophobic too I have struggled with my sexuality for than a decade I constantly denied the fact that I liked girls felt ashamed of myself because I had such 'impure' sexual thoughts and only Deadly Fallout (Red Stone Security, recently did I make peace with the fact that I liked both boys and girls I have faced biphobia I have 'friends' at the university who wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole if they knew that I was bi I have had a previously close friend make homophobic comments on my person which made me completely stop talking to her and now we hate each other's guts In God's Hammer retrospect I think I overreacted but that was just my paranoia I have had boys ask me for a threesome just because they thought I'd be completely down for it since 'I swing both ways' I know for a fact that lesbians hesitate in getting into Akshyay Mulberry Vol.One relationships with bisexual girls because they think we are just looking for some fun and would Six-Moon Trail run off the moment a cute boy dropped us a line My answer is NO I WOULD NEVER When I am in love it doesn't matter I don't think about missing out at all I only have eyes for that person ONLY I have been called greedy Confused On the fence Promiscuous Going through a phase Seeking attention Make up your fucking mind they said And I'll be honest it makes me doubt myself I am not fully out of the closet My closest circle of friends know and they continue to love me just the same My mum knows and I don't think she's completely okay with it but she's taking it in stride We have discussed this in great lengths and she'd prefer it if I ended up marrying a guy because our extended family is conservative and straying from cultural norm is considered taboo Because this deeply homophobic society would shun me and my future wifeI could Como Abrir Mentes Fechadas relate to this book on a visceral level because the protagonist felt a lot of things I have felt too Vada is a 22 year old bisexual POC artist feminist girl like me and although I didn't agree with a lot of her thought processesactions I could The Harlem Hellfighters resonate with her because I know what it feels like to be so madly in love with a person that it seems as if you are drowning I know what it feels like to be so fiercely protective of someone that their hurt feels like your hurtLeah R continues to stump me speechless with her writing style It's so lyrically beautiful and soft and tender but hard and guttural at the same time Because she writes from the heart Because she writes what she knows is trueIt's still an uphill battle I just hope that I continue to stay true to myself and love fully and truly That's the only thing that matters

Elliot Wake ↠ 3 read

Lly Her once promising art career is cut short And Ellis pulls away unwilling to talk about that night Everything Vada loved is goneShe’s got nothing left to loseSo when she meets some smooth talking entrepreneurs who offer to set her up as a cam girl she can’t say no All Vada has to do is spend a couple hours each night stripping on webcam and the “tips” come pouring inIt’s just a kinky escape from reality until a client gets serious “Blue” is mysterious alluring and interested in Vada’s 7 Reasons Why You Should Read Cam Girl1 Cam Girl is intense as fuck in ways than one For one thing this book does sort of have a mystery aspect to it which let me tell 'ya is a HOLY MOLY GIVE ME ANSWERS NOW kind of mystery It's also intense in a way that Leah Raeder clearly doesn't shy away from the nitty and gritty and also points out a few of the things many of us don't normally talk or think about2 Cam Girl talks about all these societal in social issues in such a raw manner This book features does of sexism racism and of course cybersex The good thing is that this book shows the two sides of each coin that there are people who support these and that there are people who are against them3 Cam Girl is narrated by a realistic heroine Vada is constantly confused about many things and sometimes this confusion leads to frustration and anger anger towards herself and anger towards the people around her She had lots of internal conflicts and expressed them through lashing out externally which is something I think a lot of us do as well4 Cam Girl has some pretty epic character development A lot of the characters are really iffy and make tons of uestionable choices in the beginning but as the novel progresses you can see their mindsets and actions shifting into much better things5 Cam Girl features complex relationships and you'll love all most of them This book is basically the epitome of the it's complicated status There are so many deep relationships in this book that are all woven together perfectly from romances to sort of romances to friendship to family ties This book has all of them and they all play big roles in the story6 Cam Girl is written awesomely Most of the time it's written in an easy to read and easy to get into conversational tone which is why I was able to speed through the book but when Leah describes art and emotional scenes dammit everything gets so flowery and beautiful in an amazing vivid and colorful way7 Cam Girl made me cry in the second chapter What other book can do that?Also just in case you're wondering there are two reasons also why this book wasn't a perfect 5 star read for me The first is that I really really couldn't ship the main romance Their relationship was way too toxic for me and it hurt me to think that they might just continue to hurt each other The other reason is that I didn't like how the book ended personally no spoilers It just wasn't the ending for meAll in all I still highly recommend you to give Cam Girl a try You won't regret itDeadly Darlings | The Social Potato | The Book Geek | Twitter | Instagram


10 thoughts on “Cam Girl

  1. says:

    If two people could make each other smile and laugh and forget all the pain and darkness in the world for a moment why should we feel ashamed of it? A couple years back I did a New Adult Experiment and attempted to find the hidden gems amid a genre full of um crap One of those gems was Raeder's Unteachable a lyrical different kind of romance Since then Leah Raeder has released two books Black Iris and Cam Girl and I think it would be a disservice to potential readers and the author if I didn't clear something up These latter two books Cam Girl especially are not like Unteachable They have Leah's gorgeous writing style of course but they are completely different beasts Wait so they're not love stories? Oh no they are But I'm not sure they uite fit in the regular romance section Cam Girl is about love and yet it also demands that you face uestions that need to be asked about the nature of gender gender identity and sexuality and about their relationship to love Is it possible for love to transcend sexuality? Because I follow Leah Raeder online I felt like I knew a lot about this book before I started it So I'm not sure if that's the reason I guessed certain outcomes but either way it didn't really matter to me The book managed to be powerful enough just by containing these things; it didn't need to be shocking as well If you're really an artist I thought you'll find a way to make art however you can like Bukowski said With half your body gone With soot and a cave wall With your own blood Raeder's third book reintroduces us to her trademark style of poetic prose and vivid colourful imagery Art and colours are used as metaphors as well as for mood The narrator Vada is an artist who suffered damage to her drawing arm in an accident Broke and at rock bottom she takes a job as a cam girlThe book offers a graphic depiction of the sex trade Vada acknowledges the potentially demoralizing nature of live cams but the sex trade is here a mostly empowering thing a fact which I'm sure will pave the way for many discussions about it But well that's what Raeder does best Facilitates discussion on the things we don't often allow ourselves to think aboutIt didn't get the full five rating for two reasons 1 It was hard to maintain focus on the RyanMax subplot though I did like the outcome maybe because some of these secondary characters were not that interesting to me And 2 This makes me sound like such a prude but there was a little too much sex At some points it went past sexy and into repetitiveBut I did enjoy it a lot Leah's writing just pulls me in every time Some people call her books dark and I can completely see why but I also don't think they are I think they're like a light in the darkness showing every horrific beautiful human truth in a rainbow of colourBlog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Youtube | Pinterest


  2. says:

    Full disclosure I've been drinkingOkay so here's the thing Leah Raeder is a really good friend of mine but it should be noted that this fact in no way influenced my opinion of this book Oh and it should ALSO be noted that I'm reviewing the version that I beta read not the finalized copy There's a reason for that which I'll get to a little later in this wine fueled word vomit Maybe?If I don't someone please comment and remind me to do so when I sober up Thanks in advance WARNING I'M PROBABLY GOING TO OFFEND A FEW PEOPLE HERE I'm sorry for that Truly I am It's not my intention but I recognize the fact that what I'm about to say might come across as slightlycombative? Judgmental even? Oh Christ I hope this doesn't come across as patronizing I swear I have good intentions here If it comes across as patronizing someone please comment and remind me to make it less so when I sober up Again thanks in advanceTHE REVIEWIn my review for Black Iris I said This book is dark guttural It speaks to that side of yourself you keep hidden from the rest of the world That reptilian part of your brain that never evolved past fuck kill conuer I thought that this was enough That this would warn readers that Black Iris was not a nice book That when I said it was a book of Darkness I meant it with a capital D Judging by some of the shocked reactions I saw to that book I didn't do a good enough of a job of warning people So let me be clear; Leah's books don't hold the kind of darkness that can be cured by the feel of rock hard abs beneath your fingers or an eually stiff dick driving into you Nor is it the kind of darkness that can be cured by a beautiful set of tits or a woman who makes you mad with lust No this is the darkness we don't talk about The darkness that dwells at the periphery of your synapses I think a reader’s understanding and sympathizing with Raeder's characters is far too often dependent upon their ability to admit certain things about themselves Those things being how unevolved they still are Leah has a way of peeling back the ego and superego to expose our IDs for what they are She has a way of forcing us to look at the lesser evolved parts of ourselves that might leave some readers feeling overexposed and uncomfortable We get an unfiltered unapologetic look into her character’s minds and how close their thoughts strike to home can be not only terrifying for some people but also inadmissibleThis book is no different than Black Iris in that way So be warned fellow reader this book is not for the faint of heart This book is not light or fluffy This book will not distract you from the dark reality of the world we live it but will remind you of it This book is not a place you can escape to But it is a place that will make you think Point in case there were definitely moments where I struggled with the subject matter here Before reading this I was one of those feminists who was staunchly anti sex trade in all forms and that included camgirls I think a lot of other readers might have as strong of a reaction as I did because the sex trade is such a polarizing issue I realize now that what Raeder depicts here is supposed to be awkward and uncomfortable at first and that makes total sense Even as someone who considered herself against it I thought Leah did a marvelous job portraying how camming can be about than objectification How it can be about someone owning their sexuality whatever it might be and choosing how they want to be treated by whom and when It was less about the client's desires and about Vada's the main character In short this book forced me to rethink my stance on this issue which says a lot because I am one opinionated woman if you hadn’t already figured that outUmso what else did I need to say? Oh yeah I'm reviewing the beta book I read Because this struck so close to home for me that I haven't been in the right mindset to read the finalized version So here are my uestions to you fellow reader Have you hit rock bottom? Or have you been there for someone who has? Do you possess one of those rare empathetic souls that leans towards understanding instead of judging? Can you comprehend the desperation that comes with utter hopelessness? If so I think you will not only understand this main character but also sympathize with her in a way that make you ugly cry Like I did Several times view spoiler I will never forgive you for that Leah hide spoiler


  3. says:

    Update November 20 2015Full blog post to come but I had to share a sneak peek of this with you guysCam Girl got a starred review in Publishers Weekly Along with Black Iris that's two stars for me in one yearNot bad eh? brb losing my shit Previously Update March 31 2015Just finished writing this tonight Can't believe I've written three books for traditional publication alreadyUnteachable was brash impudent and brave; Black Iris is dark and brutal and uncompromising But Cam Girl? This one is my new favorite That's what writers always say about their current book jsyk This one is sad and sweet and intensely romantic and writing the ending made me cry Apparently I'm going soft in my old ageI can't wait for you guys to read this in NovemberOh and it's hella gay Hella Gay Temporary coverFrom Publisher's Marketplace Leah Raeder's CAMGIRL about a talented young artist struggling to make ends meet after a series of catastrophic setbacks who forges a deep connection with a mysterious client who wants her camgirl performances to himself and who forces her to reconnect with the demons of her past This one is about obsession friendship secrets the roles we play for each other the male gaze sex work gender identity disability and artFYI lots of ff and other LGBT spectrum stuff in hyeahPinterest


  4. says:

    Do you know how much blood is soaked into every mile of asphalt how many graves you drive over each morning on the way to work?The world is so thick with ghosts it's a wonder anyone can breathe This is real This is the deal


  5. says:

    3 to 35 stars Posted September 10 2015 I walked from the patio down to the sea the whispery sweep of waves like jazz brush drumming Strands of tinsel moonlight floated on the water The anxiety and unease in me all gathered into an ache at my elbow and I felt as if I could fire bullets from it or set it on fire or rip it out of the socket Wasn’t sure whether I wanted the badness out or if the badness could stay as long as I escaped Pain makes a body a prison the same way desire does I remembered to read the acknowledgments and suggest that you'll do the sameDear LeahI don't mean any offense but I would never have guessed that you are trans nonbinary that is We have exchanged plenty of e mails and PMs since we met on GR In hindsight I'm even surprised because without intending to being sexist I don't think that a man could have written Unteachable the way you pulled it off the lyrical sound of the story sparkling with intricate colors insanely beautiful and laden with a vast sea of intimate feels and emotions felt at least to me distinctively female So I really looked at you as female and not a mix of both male and female See? I'm guilty as charged because I have preconceptions and need to work on itI think that in the grand scheme of things it's not important what gender you are But on a personal level and for your own peace of mind and your happiness I believe it must mean the world to you And rightly so In conseuence when you are stripped down to the essentials to the bare bones of your identity it means a lot I hope that you can be a beacon amidst the storm as well as a strong and encouraging voice to all those out there who still struggle with themselves and that they may come to terms with who and what they are All in the hopes that they experience the unconditional love and support they need and deserve to pass that defining bridge and be exactly that person they have every right to be Or if they can't and won't be that defined person they shall be that person who doesn't necessarily fit a gender Because really you are okay just as you are You have my utmost and sincerest respect for sharing this with usSending you much love and the very best for your personal life and your career as an eclectic author May your source of inspiration never run dryB So what is art? We take reality and we filter it through our eyes and minds and hands and remake it What comes out is both and less true than what went in It illuminates some part of reality just as it obscures other parts Art is an imperfect impression of the world As the self is an imperfect impression of the soul I loved the ethereally beautiful writing And I loved Max But I didn't like the main characters and some actions were not ok it was much much worse than the lies TheyWereNot What she one of the main characters did was not excusable and the I thought about it the pissed off I felt I figured out all the important plot twists but the one that really angered meI had a hunch but was in constant denial because again it was not ok And when I say it's not ok then that must be the understatement of the year I was fine with the subject matter as well as the message that was sent off Gender exploration and how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us is something that needs to be discussed However what it comes down to is that I have decided to not review Cam Girl because reasonsI ask you to respect my decision All uotes are taken from the pre published copy and may be altered or omitted in the final copy ARC courtesy of Atria Books via NetGalley in exchange for an honest reviewPre reading Cam Girl The synopsis in gifs It’s just a kinky escape from reality until a client gets serious “Blue” is mysterious alluring and interested in Vada’s life than her body Online they chat intimately Blue helps her heal And he pays well but he wants her all to himself No cam shows It’s an easy decision she’s starting to fall for him But the steamier it gets the she craves the real man behind the keyboard So Vada pops the uestionCan we meet IRL?


  6. says:

    7 Reasons Why You Should Read Cam Girl1 Cam Girl is intense as fuck in ways than one For one thing this book does sort of have a mystery aspect to it which let me tell 'ya is a HOLY MOLY GIVE ME ANSWERS NOW kind of mystery It's also intense in a way that Leah Raeder clearly doesn't shy away from the nitty and gritty and also points out a few of the things many of us don't normally talk or think about2 Cam Girl talks about all these societal in social issues in such a raw manner This book features does of sexism racism and of course cybersex The good thing is that this book shows the two sides of each coin that there are people who support these and that there are people who are against them3 Cam Girl is narrated by a realistic heroine Vada is constantly confused about many things and sometimes this confusion leads to frustration and anger anger towards herself and anger towards the people around her She had lots of internal conflicts and expressed them through lashing out externally which is something I think a lot of us do as well4 Cam Girl has some pretty epic character development A lot of the characters are really iffy and make tons of uestionable choices in the beginning but as the novel progresses you can see their mindsets and actions shifting into much better things5 Cam Girl features complex relationships and you'll love all most of them This book is basically the epitome of the it's complicated status There are so many deep relationships in this book that are all woven together perfectly from romances to sort of romances to friendship to family ties This book has all of them and they all play big roles in the story6 Cam Girl is written awesomely Most of the time it's written in an easy to read and easy to get into conversational tone which is why I was able to speed through the book but when Leah describes art and emotional scenes dammit everything gets so flowery and beautiful in an amazing vivid and colorful way7 Cam Girl made me cry in the second chapter What other book can do that?Also just in case you're wondering there are two reasons also why this book wasn't a perfect 5 star read for me The first is that I really really couldn't ship the main romance Their relationship was way too toxic for me and it hurt me to think that they might just continue to hurt each other The other reason is that I didn't like how the book ended personally no spoilers It just wasn't the ending for meAll in all I still highly recommend you to give Cam Girl a try You won't regret itDeadly Darlings | The Social Potato | The Book Geek | Twitter | Instagram


  7. says:

    The full review of this WONDERFUL PERFECT AMAZING BOOK is now live on 100% Rock Magazine This is what they don’t tell you about losing someone It doesn’t happen once It happens every day every moment they’re missing from You lose them a hundred times between waking and sleep and even sleep is no respite because you lose them in your dreams too What I adore about Raeder's books is how real they feel It seems that every time she writes a book she takes a little part of the people she knows and brings them to life so the rest of the world can see and they always resonate deeply with me Vada in particular out of all of Raeder's books was the character that really hit the mark with meYet it's not just the realism her books bring that cultivate my love for her It's also the way the romantic stories are weaved how the plot thickens with each turn of the page how she keeps you guessing and on your toes until the very end I found myself entranced by Vada and Ellis' backstory how their friendship was so deeply rooted and almost obsessive how the lines were always so blurred; heartbroken by the very heavy message beneath the story and how real it is in todays day and age; irritated yet excited by Vada's back and forth internalised thoughts that I still related to This isn't your average New Adult story It's a story about mistakes forgiveness learning to move on with a life that was taken from you and splintered And like always the book doesn't just revolve around Vada It's also about Ellis Max the boy who died on that fateful night It's about hundreds of people every day people we see on the street who are all dealing with demons they'd rather be rid of And in some ways it's also about us the readers the people who pick these books because some part of us tells us we just have to it's about looking inside ourselves and realising that we really can do this No matter our darkest days and coldest hours we can do it Together Alone We can do itPERSONAL STORY TIMEI recently opened up about my car accident on the Raeder Readers group on Facebook for one simple reason Leah's description about how the accident left Vada afterwards resonated big time with meI'm not one to talk about my personal life on the internet far from it I don't like the idea of strangers reading personal details about me that I can easily store away safely and I always try to keep my reviewing away from personal issues no matter how deeply meaningful they were to me But I couldn't do that with Cam Girl So much so that I was barely 30% in when I had to talk to someone about it and what better place than the fan group of this amazing author?Needless to say I was terrified The reactions I've had from friends and even some family members when I tried talking about my issues had kept me from really talking about it at all It was my fight after all one I had to battle alone and I intended to defeat it at all costs The group however surprised me I have never received such wonderful comments in my life and I am forever grateful Thank you to each and every one of you 3This is the post I shared on the groupLast year I was in a bad car accident that left me half paralysed on the left side of my body for six months I couldn't move my arm or leg had no strength to clench my fist and couldn't move my neck It was like I didn't have that part of my body any I struggled to do mundane tasks like washing my hair or putting on make up couldn't get out of bed without my mum lifting me like the elderly she works with at the home I lived in leggings and jeggings because unbuttoning my jeans took so much effort and I was terrified I was going to pee myself My bladder was so sensitive that I had to be in close proximation of the bathroom at all times I am humiliated as I write this but I've lost count of the times I almost wet the bed because I couldn't move I couldn't shower on my own and my mother had to rig a harness to get me in and out of the bath because I'd fallen over twice already and almost given myself concussion Even getting into bed at night was a struggle I had to find the right position make sure I didn't have too many pillows in case I rolled over and suffocated myself in my sleep but at the same time I had to make sure I was comfortable enough that the right side of my body could still function without aches and pains One time I was lying on the sofa and fell as I tried to get up I lay on the floor for eight hours until my mum got back from work and could help me up The body has two legs two arms two hands for a reason I'd started wearing through the right side's strength faster than lightning because the left side just Would Not WorkBefore the accident I was social outgoing active I liked to jog in the mornings and I live on a beautiful isle in England with views to die for I had trained as an auarist and wanted to go into it as a full time job I was supposed to head to Scotland for an interview that provided the auarist job of my dreams and a place to live Scotland has been my lifelong goal ever since I'd been a little girl I was popular in my group of friends they loved me wanted to see me came to me for everything Younger friends called me Mother Bear because I worried and fussed over them and there was always a place for them if they needed me There was a boy I liked who liked me in return and it's always something as simple as that as someone wanting and needing you as much as you want and need them that breaks you all the I was twenty years old and happy finally that things were coming together for me That even if I had given up on my dream of going to university and getting a degree I was doing something BETTER That even if life had handed me nothing but shitcakes I was finally showing it I was so much better than it Worth so much But then a woman in a van decided responding to a text was important than watching the road We were going round the roundabout at the time the van drove straight into the passenger side where I was sat I don't remember much about the accident a lot of glass a lot of screaming and no cars stopping to check on us Just a lot of honking from angry businessmen and women who had somewhere else to be I remember though that I was late for an appointment I can't remember what the appointment was for though All I know is that it was important enough for me to crawl out of the wreckage and race down the road It wasn't until after when the adrenaline disappeared that I realised something wasn't right I called my friend to come pick me up The next thing I know I was in AEAt the hospital they sent me home with a diagnoses and a leaflet I had whiplash The next morning I tried to get out of bed and fell over smacking my head on the bedside table Mum raced me to the hospital where tests showed I had spinal damage mostly the nerves alongside it and the vertebrae that had sprung out of place and snapped back They told me I should've been fully paralysed at least Dead at the most They told me I was luckyBut I didn't feel lucky In the months following my accident I lost my life I lost my friends who didn't want to make the trek up to the isle every day to come see me considering I was housebound and couldn't trek the mile and a half it would take us to get to the nearest coffee shop I lost the auarist job because I didn't know when IF I would ever walk again let alone swim in a tank full of sharks I put on a shitload of weight because again I couldn't exercise I couldn't find work because where I live it's all seasonal and seasonal is mostly standing up walking around being active which I couldn't do I couldn't go to the cove my favourite beach and just sit because there are 42 steps down and it would've killed me I couldn't go to the pirate cemetery with my little brother and sibling and tell them ghost stories to freak them out I began relying on my mum to help me pay back my overdraft and it made me sick because we never have money to begin with I began to wallow I began to hate myself I started what ifing every single moment of my lifeI had a lot of physiotherapy but even then she couldn't touch my back It's so sensitive I'd had no idea Even leaning on it funny could've caused a lot damage So she worked my leg my arm but didn't touch my neck I slowly slowly started regaining the feeling in my fingers in my toes but I'll never be uite whole again I can't walk long distances without my leg giving out I can't grab a heavy plate from the kitchen without my arm my fingers failing I can't fill the kettle up completely because it's too heavy I can't stand up for long periods of time without falling over Sometimes in the middle of the night I'll wake up sweat soaked and terrified because I can't feel the left side of my body and then I'll convince myself it's just a nightmare even though I can't get out of bed Even though rolling over to my right side is the only thing I can doI work at a taxi rank now It pays well but it's not a nice job I work the night shift which I don't mind but the walk to the bus stop every morning is sometimes too much The chairs are broken and lean to the side which means I'm in constant pain when I leave because my spine is curved all night My sleeping and eating habits are all over the place and I look at all these young people getting shitfaced and think You have it so good You don't even realise And I KNOW that that is not how I should be thinking that I should be grateful because I'm alive because it could have ended so much worseBut is it bad that I'm not? Because the cons outweigh the pros? Because yes I'm alive but I'm stuck in a dead end job with no money no prospects too terrified to even contemplate a driving licence because roundabouts make me want to puke? Because I only ever feel safe on a bus? Because even sitting in the passenger side when my mum is driving I freak out at the slightest thing? Yes I'm alive but I lost so much and in a place like this rebuilding is so hard And this is horrible but I am so angry that I wasn't fully compensated for it That the insurance company didn't deem my injuries worrying enough to fully pay out for That they chipped away at my self esteem little by little with stupid comments like that and fully compensated the woman whose van drove into us because it was a business carIt's so stupid It's little things like someone finding me attractive enough to want to take out on a date it doesn't happen any Guys flirting with me Girls wanting to be my friend And me wanting to be near people I can't even hold a conversation with an actual human being in the real world that isn't my family without having a panic attack It's why I work the night shift it's uiet Not many people come in whilst I'm on shift It's ridiculous and I'm trying so hard to fix it but it's so so so difficultSo I completely understand Vada and it feels weird that I've finally found someone who understands me and that person is fictional That I can't sit down with her and tell her how I'm feeling and she'll understand me That she won't commiserate with me because she's not REAL But at the same time I'm so completely and utterly grateful that you Leah seem to have understood what it feels like to lose something so huge to have it taken away from you in a heartbeat and the struggle that comes with rebuilding and starting againI may never be completely whole again but I am rebuilding Slowly but surely And maybe one day I will be okay againIt wasn't easy to share or talk about but their support and beautiful words was 110% worth it Again thank you to each and everyone of you for being there for me even when you don't know me and I hope one day I can be there for you tooAfter readingDear heartHow does it feel to be broken by Leah Raeder again? FRTCEDIT 392015RAEDERS OF THE WORLD geddit?This beautiful book is now on NetGalley Go reuest the hell out of itGUYS GUYS GUYS LOOK AT THE COVERJUST LOOK AT ITOH MY SHIZNITULTRAFLAILIt's just so perfect Like this book will be THE ANTICIPATION IS KILLING ME


  8. says:

    For the last three days I have been asking myself if I should review this book but in the end the urge to let the words fly out of my fingers won outHere's the thing I am bisexual I am a person of colour and I come from a country where homosexuality is a criminal offence which means if I were to make love to my girlfriend both of our arses would be thrown in jailWhere's the fairness you ask?NOT HEREI have been attracted to girls ever since I can remember and only in my early teenage years did I start developing an attraction towards boys But living in the heteronormative society that I do since childhood I was subconsciously conditioned that marriage means a union between a man and a woman Not between a woman and a woman Or a man and a man I know how our society shameshatessidelines the LGBT community and somewhere down the line it made me a little internally homophobic too I have struggled with my sexuality for than a decade I constantly denied the fact that I liked girls felt ashamed of myself because I had such 'impure' sexual thoughts and only recently did I make peace with the fact that I liked both boys and girls I have faced biphobia I have 'friends' at the university who wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole if they knew that I was bi I have had a previously close friend make homophobic comments on my person which made me completely stop talking to her and now we hate each other's guts In retrospect I think I overreacted but that was just my paranoia I have had boys ask me for a threesome just because they thought I'd be completely down for it since 'I swing both ways' I know for a fact that lesbians hesitate in getting into relationships with bisexual girls because they think we are just looking for some fun and would run off the moment a cute boy dropped us a line My answer is NO I WOULD NEVER When I am in love it doesn't matter I don't think about missing out at all I only have eyes for that person ONLY I have been called greedy Confused On the fence Promiscuous Going through a phase Seeking attention Make up your fucking mind they said And I'll be honest it makes me doubt myself I am not fully out of the closet My closest circle of friends know and they continue to love me just the same My mum knows and I don't think she's completely okay with it but she's taking it in stride We have discussed this in great lengths and she'd prefer it if I ended up marrying a guy because our extended family is conservative and straying from cultural norm is considered taboo Because this deeply homophobic society would shun me and my future wifeI could relate to this book on a visceral level because the protagonist felt a lot of things I have felt too Vada is a 22 year old bisexual POC artist feminist girl like me and although I didn't agree with a lot of her thought processesactions I could resonate with her because I know what it feels like to be so madly in love with a person that it seems as if you are drowning I know what it feels like to be so fiercely protective of someone that their hurt feels like your hurtLeah R continues to stump me speechless with her writing style It's so lyrically beautiful and soft and tender but hard and guttural at the same time Because she writes from the heart Because she writes what she knows is trueIt's still an uphill battle I just hope that I continue to stay true to myself and love fully and truly That's the only thing that matters


  9. says:

    3 diamond in the rough stars 2017 Read Where I Wished I was Editor Award For the moment please disregard the 3 star ratingI am so excited to have discovered Elliot Wake formerly Leah Raeder who is an extremely talented author who happens to be a trans man and a very handsome one at that I know I know the fact that he is handsome is irrelevant but since this is a psychosexual thriller romance I had to mention that as well We raced to the end of the pier screaming for no other reason than that we are alive Screaming into the face of this cold universe Against unkindness against accidents and inevitabilities Against the randomness of being born into the wrong body or the wrong family of hurting the wrong hand Our voices carried over the water long after we fell silent mine throaty and brazen hers an avian shriek At the pier's edge I collapsed panting Ellis sat next to me For a while we stared out at dark water and clear sky wild with stars Some of the writing is so fresh and alive like this previous paragraph and because of this I know that Mr Wake can become a phenomenal writer that will straddle the line between literature and mass market psychological thrillers However this book is fraught with many challenges and I feel that with work and much better editing that this book could have been a minor post modern masterpiece My name for this phenomenom is The Goldfinch syndrome and don't get me started on that now What is absolutely superb about this novel is the genuineness and respect that is presented on ueerness in all its forms both in terms of sexuality and gender fluidity This book presents the entire rainbow from heterosexual vixens and studs bisexual sylphs and gnomes to lesbian gender fluid geniuses They came in all shapes and sizes ooops freudian slip and in all skin tones The love that the author has for his characters comes out in ooodles and oooodles Some of the writing is so gorgeous but is very inconsistent and at times highly repetitive The sex scenes are both disturbing and hot The mysteries are interesting but are not always sensesical in their resolution I also struggled with the characters themselves who often were not psychologically consistent and congruent The love between the two main female characters although very passionate and believable was at times overwrought and histrionic that actually took away from the romantic pathos in the story Having said this however I am filled with so much hope that this writer will continue to grow and continue with what he does so well but will also take greater care in decreasing repetition aiming for psychological congruence in his characters and most of all turn down the volume in his violin section If he is able to do that these three stars will morph into five and his psychosexual thrillers will be an important contribution to this sometimes maligned genre My favorite line in the book Sometimes someone says I love you so clearly that adding the words would only ruin it


  10. says:

    35 starsA car accident ends with one fatality The remaining survivors are two young women One remembers everything The other one doesn’t remember much of anything Or does she?This book touched on the topics of bisexuality and gender identity It’s well written but there was endless push and pull between Vada and Ellis Hurtful lies and deceptive actions were uietly dismissed after a very long buildup and that’s where this story was most disappointing for me I loved how multilayered the characters were how magnetizing the story was but I wasn’t completely convinced by the end that Vada had followed her heart’s desire


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